Work-life balance?

It seems that work-life balance is a routine subject in today’s culture, emphasizing making sure you keep your “work” under control to make sure you have time for the rest of your “life.” What if that does not feel like the right answer?

For me, the implication of the term “work-life” balance seems to imply that “life” is the happy part and “work” is the miserable part.  So, it appears that the underlying goal of “work-life balance” is to achieve a certain joy and happiness in life. When listening to the cultural norms, work-life balance seems to come from a place of valuing relationships, rest, relaxation, and play in contrast to work, which in the “work-life balance” context appears to be characterized as some sort of miserable slog one must endure to keep the family fed. While sometimes – for some people, in some jobs – work probably is exactly that, what if working is actually a source of joy and happiness in and of itself?

It is a bit socially unacceptable to admit that I really, really love my work. In general, I prefer working to most other things I might spend time doing. It is how I am wired and what I love to do.  Perhaps the person with the most insight into my personal “work-life” balance is my husband and life partner since I was a teenager over 37 years ago. The inspiration for this blog post came last weekend when he observed that it brings him joy to see me happy – and that he sees my happiness when I am tackling and surmounting a tough problem, collaboratively accomplishing a work goal, and doing the heavy lifting of creating something out of nothing that is the world of startup founding. It is true. It was amazing to have someone so close to me call it out so clearly, and it made me stop and reflect (look…a startup CEO reflection in the making!).  As he called out, I am fundamentally happy when I am working. The process of working is something I seek out. No one forces me to found the next startup or to work intensively to make it successful. In fact, when I mentioned to my other daughter that after my current venture-backed startup advances to its next phase, I would likely do another one, just for the joy and challenge of it.  She laughed and said, “Of course, mom!  You would be bored doing anything else.” 

I am not the only one. My medical student daughter feels the same way. She loves being in the operating room – so much so that she experiences a sort of withdrawal when she is not there.  Another of my colleagues who is a superstar in his field has repeatedly discussed what it would look like to try to scale back his work pace to make more time available for other things in life: a thought process I can relate. And, usually, we end up chuckling at ourselves because after talking about it for a bit in the abstract, we recognize that our shared passion for solving challenging and complex problems and accomplishing remarkable things means that doing anything less demanding would not be nearly as fun and fulfilling. Less demanding work would also be less engaging and less fun for us.

Yet, the guilt for being wired this way abounds, and our cultural norms push back against it. As she advances through medical school, my aspiring surgeon daughter is getting lots of well-meaning observations from established doctors and even patients who feel obliged to mention that maybe surgery does not offer the best work-life balance possible amongst the various medical specialties. When I am working long, hard hours as a startup CEO, others will sometimes suggest I should take some time off for a “better” work-life balance.  Such comments generate guilt as we wonder if somehow we are failing at achieving this mythical work-life balance – and the associated promise of happiness that our culture promotes.

Now it is essential to acknowledge that the fact that I love my work and enjoy both the strain and sense of accomplishment that comes from leading and executing at a high level and surprising other people with the excellence we can achieve is not necessarily a “normal” experience. In fact, one of my formative experiences in life happened during the summer following my sophomore year in college when I was an intern at a large insurance brokerage in Chicago. I was excited to be there, excited to be working on projects with a big learning curve, excited to have an opportunity to figure out how to make a positive impact. One day one of the staffers who worked in my department invited me to lunch. Once we got our food, he looked at me with passion in his voice and said something I have never forgotten, “Jen, most people are NOT like you. And you should not ever assume that they are. You find working hard and excelling fun and exciting.  Most people don’t. You need to understand that I will do my work during the workday, but once it is 5 o’clock, I want to go home and forget about it. I don’t want to think about my work anymore. I don’t care. I just want to do my own thing. Jen, you must realize that your drive is NOT normal, and you must not expect it of others. Stop assuming that others want to work like you do.”  It was a shocking conversation for me, but it was also a powerful and good reminder that my passion for work is not universally shared, likely not even commonplace. I am thankful to that individual for stating his position so clearly. It really forced me to realize that different people have different values and it was unfair to assume others shared my values. It made me start to pay attention to the differences and to factor that into my company leadership, recruiting, and management.

So I have learned that people vary in what they value. And, when thinking about how we balance our lives, we should consider first what it is that each of us individually value – and emphasize our investment of time and energy into those things we value. In addition, when we marry or if we are already married, we should consider the blending of the values of the couple to find the right balance in life for the couple, which is some combination of the two together. For example, my husband and I appreciate each others’ strengths, preferences, and differences. We find joy in each others’ joys and passions, even though they are quite different. The complementarity is foundational to our relationship.

Regardless, each can make their own choices on what makes us happy. Some may value leisure. Others work. Still others relationships. Just know what it is that you value, and make your life choices with intention around that. And, if you happen to be one of those of us who are passionate about your work, embrace that passion,

So for those of us who are passionate about our work, enjoy your work – and remember to also engage with those who love you. You have the autonomy to decide, to set your own priorities, pace, and balance.  While keeping in mind the desires and needs of those who journey with you through life.