Managing the Wounded

When you have someone join your team, one of the key things to keep an eye out for is where they are wounded. Note that I did not say “if” they are wounded, only “where.”

I will go out on a limb here and declare that ALL of us are wounded, to a greater or lesser degree, and I believe this is a natural consequence of being human and living life.

What do I mean by “wounded?”

We have all been shaped by bad or painful experiences in our work lives. Sometimes these experiences are dramatic, such as getting fired, sued, having a painful falling out with a co-founder, partner, or major investor, or experiencing a dramatic failure or rejection. Sometimes these experiences are insidious, such as being expected to be always available because we can solve the problem, being blamed, being undermined, marginalized, discriminated against, rejected, or any number of other experiences. These experiences impact us – often unconsciously – as they erode our confidence, destroy our joy, and undermine our effectiveness.

The challenge is that these “wounds” often engrain themselves in our assumptions about the world, and we do not even fully recognize how they affect us. All of these effects are natural psychological responses to pain and trauma. They are also often the underlying reasons someone will choose to find a new job. For example, recently, we were interviewing dozens of candidates to fill a whole slate of new positions at our startup, and I was struck by how many times when I asked a candidate about what motivated them to apply, they started describing toxic work cultures in their current job that they were seeking to escape. These are examples of the “walking wounded” who are seeking to escape the pain of their current situation.

Some might worry that hiring someone with wounds might be somehow dangerous. It is if your culture mirrors the environment they are seeking to escape. For me, I expect that everyone is wounded; the only question is how. So rather than backing away from someone who is open and aware of their pain (actually, this can indicate they are in an excellent place to pursue healing!), I seek to learn more about the nature of the wounds during the interview process and consider how that will play out in our company. For example, if the nature of the wounds are such that your culture is unlikely to continue wounding them, then you have an opportunity to help them heal and secure a tremendous commitment to your company. And, frankly, it is a kind and generous thing to do.

Managing the wounded

Once someone has joined your team, as a self-aware, compassionate, and effective manager, you have an opportunity to assess and learn about your team member’s strengths and weaknesses, including their wounds. This positions you to play to strengths and mitigate weaknesses, as I have already blogged about.  

In addition, listen and keep an eye out for any wounds that might be present. This process takes attentiveness and trust-building because many new hires will try hard to manage their new manager’s perceptions of them. However, when you touch a wound, you can spot it when the reaction is significantly out of proportion to a normal response. Here are a few examples to illustrate what I am talking about:

• One individual was constantly apologizing for their task completion speed, which was not abnormal or inappropriate given the learning curve they were on plus they showed a propensity for submitting things that were not completed as carefully as we would have liked. After repeated examples and a little bit of gentle inquiry, it came to light that the expectations were very high (practically unachievable) in a previous job, and the consequences of not meeting those expectations was repeated public shaming. It took some time and care for them to learn that we did not have those expectations and that they were safe to complete work well and at a reasonable pace.
  
  
• When we began our first hiring process together, another individual who was the hiring manager kept asking extensive questions about our hiring process, policies, and approaches. When it extended well beyond normal curiosity and basic fact-finding and was repeated several times, I asked if they had had a bad experience with hiring before? A story emerged of a previous experience of being forced to build a team too fast where the measure of success was on the number of candidates screened, interviews conducted, and other process measures that had little relationship to the quality of the hires and then being forced to hire far more aggressively than was prudent or valuable, with the practically pre-ordained follow-on problem of having to fire several new hires who did not fit well. Once we understood the bad experience, we were able to explicitly and repeatedly reassure the hiring manager that we would take the time that was needed, that he would not be forced into any hires, and that he would have a critically important voice in the process so that he could successfully build a high-performance team.
  
  
• Another individual who was responsible for the financial reports to the Board of Directors had grown very gun-shy about coming to Board meetings. It quickly became apparent that one Board member spent a great deal of the Board’s energy tracking down $5 variations from whatever was forecast or budgeted previously. In other words, Board meetings had turned into torture sessions because it is impossible to forecast and manage a startup with that extreme degree of accuracy. The solution here was to recognize the dynamic and step between that individual and the Board member and essentially push back by changing the level and cadence of reporting, removing the financial person from the meetings for a while, and helping the Board establish new norms.
  
  
• Another individual had repeated bad experiences with business partners who excluded, rejected, and sometimes abandoned this entrepreneur. Trusting similarly situated colleagues in the next startup was very difficult and required persistent investment and trust-building to overcome. Awareness, patience, and a commitment to a strong and complementary work relationship with lots of open communication on both sides ultimately unraveled the painful reactions, and it led to a much better and more effective collaboration.

These are just some illustrative examples. However, I almost always discover wounded areas in those I manage, both directly and indirectly, so again, I believe it is safer to assume that everyone has some wounds and keep an eye out for when they rear their heads. That tell-tale sign of an out of proportion reaction, especially if repeated, often reveals some previous bad experience. As you build trust, you may be able to discover what happened by observing and asking, thus enabling you to be more explicit in providing reassurance. Otherwise, you may have to just notice, and be gentle and consistent to help gradually demonstrate that you will not hurt that individual in the same way. Over time, a good manager who can support and help defend their team members will earn a great deal of respect and loyalty. And it just feels good!

One last point, I include myself amongst the wounded. And, I have had wonderful close colleagues and executive friends who have been able and willing to help me process prior bad experiences to enable me to grow through and beyond them. So, apply these same ideas to yourself as well and notice when you exhibit an outsized reaction, see if you can unpack it, and find a way to defuse and heal it. It not only makes work more fun and rewarding, but it will also likely make you easier for your colleagues to work with.