Being Trustworthy

Trust is foundational for good relationships, either personal or corporate. At its best, It is bilateral, yet trust cannot be demanded, only given. All we can control is our side of the trust relationships we are part of. 

There are moments in life when time seems to freeze. A risk is taken, and a choice is made. I was reminded of this pattern recently when I had a high-trust conversation with someone I met four years ago. We do not see each other often, but I remember that something just clicked the very first time we met. I felt an instant connection and opted to be vulnerable and offer my trust to someone new by sharing an important part of myself and my story. As happens in the best cases, she reciprocated, and we began a trust journey together that has resulted in us forging a peer-to-peer relationship through sharing over time that we can both lean into. While we do not see each other that often, somehow, we have established the kind of trust that gives us both a safe space to share and feel seen and understood by a respected peer when we do.   

Sometimes trust comes easily. Sometimes it is hard-earned. Trust can happen between people, but it can also occur between organizations. When we trust someone, we rely on that person’s or organization’s character, ability, strength, or honesty. Strong trust takes time and experience to establish and nurture, but the benefits are profound. Having trust lubricates relationships and interactions, creating the opportunity for win-win partnerships. If you want to delve more into the transformative power of trust, I recommend reading The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything by Stephen M.R. Covey.  

The power of trust is never more apparent than those seemingly inevitable times when trust erodes. What took a sustained effort to build can be eroded quickly. Rejection, betrayal, disappointment, and hurt enter the relationship. Hope and excitement fade. If the loss of trust is severe enough, quite possibly, the relationship can never recover. Here are a few examples of eroding trust that I have experienced:

• A partner company we trusted blew us off – once, twice, three times. Despite some conciliatory words, they showed us by their actions and priorities that we were no longer important to them. As their behavior pattern persisted, we grappled with the clear signals that they were no longer leaning in and acting as a trusted partner. The consequence was that we began reevaluating the relationship and thinking about alternatives and options. The eroded trust changed the character of the relationship and started us on a path to a much lower level of commitment.
  
  
• An erstwhile friend I had invested deeply in made and communicated his choices to me and shattered my sense of confidence and security in the relationship. It was a shock to realize that my trust in him was misplaced. It was a moment of profound reckoning as I realized that the trust built over the years was destroyed by a choice communicated via a single sentence. My sense of betrayal was profound, and the consequence was I was unwilling to continue in the relationship, and we went our separate ways.
  
  
• Years ago, it was subtle when some of my investors began to cut me out, demonstrating a lack of trust in me by going around me and substituting secrecy for transparency and collaborative problem-solving. Did I know? Eventually. Did it make me lose faith in them as they communicated a lack of faith in me? Yes. Did it cause distraction, confusion, and discomfort in my team? Yes. Did it change the dynamic and erode our trust and commitment to one another? Yes. Am I reminded again that my investors are not my trusted friends, and they have interests that can make true trust hard or perhaps impossible to achieve?

How do we recognize and measure a loss of trust? There are signs in the relational dynamics. The presence of trust lubricates interactions, while a lack of trust throws sand in the gears. When trust is lost, skepticism and caution replace confidence and the benefit of the doubt. Communication cadences slow and become stilted. When someone backs away, it feels like a personal rejection that reflects what the other person thinks of me. I want to be valued and trusted. Because I try so hard to be trustworthy, it is disappointing and hurtful when someone withholds or retracts their trust. I do not feel seen and understood because it feels like they are questioning my intentions, my capabilities, my competence, my integrity, and my character. It erodes the relationship, ultimately eroding my willingness to trust and invest in giving to them.

The reality is, however, that in a relationship, we can only truly control our side of it. That means that we cannot unilaterally create trust. The only thing we can control is our own trustworthiness. Being trustworthy means having integrity, communicating, keeping promises, following through, seeking to positively impact others, and endeavoring to make the world around you a better place. Have your partner in trust’s interests at heart and strive to do well by and to them.  In the end, developing trust always involves taking risks.  The part in our control, our trustworthiness, can be demonstrated and offered – as we invite others to build trust in us even as we offer our own trust in them. Ultimately, by cultivating our own trustworthiness, we can invite others to trust us with their precious things, whether their wealth, opportunities, reputation, feelings, or even their children.

As a startup leader, it is essential both to build personal trusting relationships with your team, your investors, your customers, and your partners and to build your startup organization also to be trustworthy. It is worth it because trust lubricates relationships, secures the benefit of the doubt, and enables win-win partnerships.  Just remember that you can only control you and how trustworthy you are.